Joke: The Duck and the Lawyer

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in Newfoundland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, ‘I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.’

The old farmer Garge replied, ‘This is my property, and you are not coming over here.’
The indignant lawyer said, ‘I am one of the best trial lawyers in Toronto and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.’

The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Newfoundland . We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’

The lawyer asked, ‘What is the ‘Tree Kick Rule’?’

The Farmer replied, ‘Well, because the dispute occurs on me land, I get to go first. I kick you tree times and then you kick me tree times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.’

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pad.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, ‘Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.’

The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.’

(via Super55 BloGG)

Joke: Hard Working Duck

A duck walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer".

The bartender says "Hey! where did you come from?"

The duck says "I'm working the construction site across the street".

And the bartender says, "Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?"

And the duck said "What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?"

Joke: The Lying Contest

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said,

"All right, give him the dog."

(via Miss Celania)

Here's a riddle for you

Totally "borrowed" from Daisy the Curly Cat:

Question: Why are cats very bad storytellers?

You might think it is because the books are very boring. But that is not the correct answer.

Start thinking, NOW! You have 30 seconds to figure out the answer, and you will be timed on this big clock.
(Yeh - to a cat, it's a clock!)

Do you know the answer yet?


Click HERE to see the answer.

Joke: Sheep Fries

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with his farm ... especially, the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the Females.

He hired a Frenchman who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the severed, "parts", when the sheep farmer yelled,

"No -- Don't throw those away -- "My wife fries them up and we eat them ... they're delicious, and we call them 'sheep fries."

Later that day, the French hired-hand came in for supper and, indeed, he thought that the "sheep fries" were very tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and that evening they all settled down to another supper of "sheep fries".

On the third day, however, when the sheep farmer came in for supper, he asked his wife where the French hired-hand was.

"You know, it's the weirdest thing," she said. "I told him that since there weren't that many "sheep fries" this evening, we were also going to have French Fries ...
and he ran like his ass was on fire!"

(via Phils Phun)

Joke: The Gift Mouse

A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it so much that he never parted with it.

He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera...

One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects at the funeral parlor.

Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder.

On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone!

He retraced all his moves for the day and realised that the last place he had seen the mouse was at the funeral parlor.

He raced back across town, but arrived too late.

The body had been removed and was already being transported to the cemetery in the hearse.

The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder onto the casket and gotten carried into the hearse along with the casket.

Probably frightened, the mouse must have sought shelter in the closed casket!

It was too late ... the mouse was being buried alive.

Filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother had told him time and time again as a kid...

Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.

(via Phils Phun)

Joke: The Veterenarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

Joke: Bi-Lingual Parrot

So this guy goes into a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot but it has a blue string handing from one foot and a red one from the other. He thinks this is a little strange so he asks the shopkeeper what the strings are for.

"Well this is a highly trained parrot" the shopkeeper replies. "If you pull the red string he talks in French, if you pull the blue string he talks in English".

"Wow" exclaims the man shopping that's really neat "What happens if you pull them both at the same time?"

"I fall off my perch you idiot!" exclaims the parrot.

(via)

Joke: Mixed breed dogs

In a dog park in a very chic Manhattan neighborhood, three dogs get together to chat, and the subject of what breed they are comes up.

The first dog says, "well, my mother was a cocker spaniel and my father was a poodle, so I'm a Cockapoo. We're very trendy."

The second dog puts his nose in the air and says, "Well, that's nice. Personally, my father was a purebred pug and my mother was an award-winning beagle, making me a Puggle. We're the latest thing in L.A."

The third dog looks very uncomfortable and starts trying to change the subject. "Come on, just tell us," the other dogs keep saying. Finally, he gives in.

"Well, my father was a Bull Terrier and my mother was a Shi Tzu..."

Joke: Hen House

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.

One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected that it was because cock fights were being held in the village. So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the alter boys stood up.

Joke: A day at the races

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.

Before the following race, the Priest blessed yet another horse. Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet a large amount of money on it, and it won!

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitch bet every cent he had, including his life savings and the deed to his house. Mitch then watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded.

He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants -- you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!

Joke: The Duck Hunter’s Dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to his most skeptical friend, inviting him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by; they fired, and a duck fell.

The dog responded. It did not sink, but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter finally broke the silence, asking, “Well, what do you think of my new dog?”

The other guy was quiet for a moment, then said, “Can’t swim, huh?”

(via)

Joke: The giraffe

A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"

The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"
(via)

Joke: Ranch Life

Amy, a blond city girl, marries a rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn.

You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.. right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on....."

(via Miss Cellania)

Joke: Fish Heads

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $5 each," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

Joke: Janitor Dog

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job.”

“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”

“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don't! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!”

Joke: Short Animal Jokes - Mice, Part Two

What is a mouse's favorite game?
Hide and squeak.

What is gray and has four legs and a trunk?
A mouse on vacation.

What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!

What is small, furry and good at sword fights?
A mouseketeer.

What time is it when 12 cats chase a mouse?
Twelve after one.

When do you need to oil a mouse?
When it squeaks.

When is it bad luck to have black cat follow you?
When you are a mouse.

Who is the largest mouse in the world?
E. Norm Mouse.

Joke: Preacher's horse racing

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.

Again, this was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Joke: Baby skunk rescue

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.”

“Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.

“But what about the smell?”

“Just hold its nose.”

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

(via Bits & Pieces)

Joke: Short Animal Jokes - Penguins

How do penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.

What do penguins have for lunch?
Iceburgers.

What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost.

What kind of bird can write?
A penguin.

What kind of fish do penguins catch at night?
Starfish.

What’s black and white and goes round and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.

What's a penguin's favorite vegetable?
Iceberg lettuce.

Who is a penguin's favorite singer?
Seal.

Who is a penguin's favorite actor?
Sean Pennguin.

Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.

Why are penguins so popular on the Internet?
Because they have Web feet.

Why do penguins sit on marshmallows?
To keep from falling into the hot chocolate.

Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.